Saturday, July 20, 2019

Flying out

Hungover from the excitement of the week (but mostly from how we capped it off the night before), we woke up early and motored a few miles down river to a helipad on the Havasupai reservation. The last eighty or so miles of the Colorado River before Lake Mead and the Hoover Dam are relatively flat and hot. So nearly all commercial river trips end at the helipad. The guides drop off their passengers, breakdown their boats, and motor out in a greuling 12 hour day semi-affectionately referred to as the run-out. To speed up their travels, the guides pull off the side pontoons that make the rafts infinietly more stable in the rapids, but add quite a bit of drag. We helped with that part.

Photo by Greg Bryan

I appear to be working smarter, not harder.

As we tied down the last few pieces of gear on the newly streamlined river rafts, we heard the unmistakable whoop-whoop-whoop of a small helicopter coming in over the canyon.

Photo by Greg Bryan

Aside from the occassional hum of the rafts' outboard motors, this was the first sound of modern society we had heard in a week, and it was exciting, jarring, and more than a bit depressing all at the same time. We exchanged contact information with several of the other guests, tipped the guides for hosting what was nothing short of a life-changing experience, and waved them off on the last part of their journey this run. Ted was scheduled for another trip in less than 24 hours, and Tyler's next trip was just a day or two after that. So despite the thirty horsepower motor going at full bore, this would be one of the calmer and quieter days of their summers.


The helicopter loaded up passengers in groups of four or five, and shuttled them up to a ranch on the north rim of the canyon.

The ten minute journey was easily one of the most beautiful poop-your-pants level thrill rides I have ever been on. Because of something involving thermal currents that I don't fully understand, the helicopters don't just lift straight up from the water's edge and touch down at the ranch. They rip along the surface of the river for a few hundred yards to build up speed. Then they bank sharply toward the canyon wall, and skirt no more than 30 feet along the rock face as they slingshot over the top of the canyon at a hundred miles per hour. The last few minutes of the journey are spent rocketing towards the ranch while hovering maybe ten feet above the tree line.


I cursed having that final beer the night before, and tried to remember if I had updated our will since Quinn was born. It was a good thing we had a stunning view to distract us.


I like to think that I'm someone with a pretty high threshold for this type of thing. But even now, weeks later, I am actively sweating as a I type this up safely at my computer.

I could have hugged the twenty-something ranch worker that met us when we landed. But he had clearly seen the looks on all of our faces before, and shuffled us along with a subtext in his voice that articulately stated, "Unless you're one of the female ranch hands that I clearly took this summer job to be around, please keep moving and don't barf on my boots."


We had about two hours to kill at the ranch before our flights home (more on that in a minute). The experience of showering off seven days of river sand and human biofilm was as glorious as you'd imagine. Lunch was a cold cuts bar that was much appreciated, but couldn't hold a candle to the feasts that Ted and Tyler had cooked up for us on the river. And then it was naps and stretching in grassy shade that seemed more than a bit out of place in the middle of the high desert. But I wasn't complaining.

Around one or two in the afternoon, we heard the ranch hands announce that flight 67 had just landed, and everyone on that plane should make their way to the landing strip. Why these flights had numbers besides one, two, and three was beyond me, but the landing strip just next to the ranch was used by a handful of small propeller planes to carry rafters back to Marble Canyon and Las Vegas, depending on where their trip originated. Las Vegas is the closest big airport, so people coming from out of state typically started there. It was also a popular day trip for affluent Europeans looking to dip their toes into the Wild West experience.

We waited nearby while our plane unloaded what appeared to be a German family, and I took a moment to appreciate some sign maker's sense of humor.


Our new out-of-town friends loaded up on the Vegas bound plane, and we waved them off as their plane taxied first onto the airstrip.


Then it was our turn to board the sedan-sized cabin, and I almost literally had to crawl on hands and knees my seat. Even though we had mixed feelings on the inside, we were all smiles on the outside to be heading home.


Our smiles faded ever so slightly when our pilot turned around, and he appeared to have graduated flight school about seven hours earlier.


I'm sure he told us his name, and it wasn't Bro Pilot, but that's how he will be permanently etched in my brain.

Unsurprisingly, the forty five minute flight was breathtaking, and not just because it was a particularly windy day.


As the landing strip came in to focus, I cursed myself for the second time that day about not updating our will.


It actually was a pretty windy day, and our pilot kindly pointed out in casual conversation that we were just a hair below the max wind speed that our plane can handle. And the landing strip is just past a deep gorge in the rock face (directly under us in the photo above) that always adds a bit of turbulence right before touchdown. Thanks, Bro Pilot. As much as I appreciate your color commentary, we're good. You don't need to waste any concentration augmenting our flight experience.

But Bro Pilot did great. Or at least he seemed to. I don't know the first thing about flying. But I'm sitting here today telling you about the flight, so I can't complain. RVCA skater hats off to you, Bro Pilot.

We grabbed our backpacks from the luggage bin (literally a bin), and walked back to our cars. Hugs and tears all around, and then we crossed our fingers to see if our car still started. It did, which I admittedly had mixed feelings about. Then it was back on the road for a day's drive home.


Aimee and I feel so lucky to have had the experience of a Grand Canyon rafting trip. There's no better way to see such a historic and defining part of our country. But it was definitely time to go home, and we were very excited to see our kids. It's slightly terrifying to not even know if they're alive for an entire week. That said, the canyon was barely out of view by the time Aimee and I started to talk about when we should go back next. Do we bring the kids? Can we even wait that long? We still hadn't reached a decision by the time we got home.


Ok, fine. We'll bring them.

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Deer creek, breastmilk rash cream, and a final icing.

And bam!


The river doesn't care how hungover you are. It waits for no one.

But after an hour or so on the water, we were given the chance to wake up a bit more slowly. Our first stop of the day was at Blacktail Canyon, known for it's incredible acoustics. The several talented musicians on our trip hosted a casual open mic concert that morning while the rest of us soaked it up and sweated out concentrated margarita mix.

Photo: Greg Bryan

Photo: Greg Bryan

Photo: Jill Knuth

Several other less-hungover groups came and went while we were there. Yes, they were able to open their eyes without feeling their brains getting squeezed out through their ears, but we were having a lot more fun.

Photo: Dean Knuth

Then it was a quick side hike for lunch, and another at the world-class Deer Creek Falls.


Fajitas for dinner, and we were sleeping like babies.

Photo: Greg Bryan

Thursday was our last full day on the water. By that point, we were certainly looking forward to taking a shower and seeing our kids, but also there's this:

Photo: Greg Bryan

Aside from The Confluence, the other can't miss stop on any river trip is Havasu Creek. It runs through the Havasupai reservation, down Havasu Falls, and into the Colorado river. It has the same crystal blue water as the Little Colorado, and is delightfully warm.

Getting there was a little tricky, however. First, the guides had to tie the boats up in the middle of a rapid.

Photo: Greg Bryan

Photo: Greg Bryan

The photos don't really do justice to how fast the water is moving along that stretch. The guides were revving their motors at full bore, with the boats' noses bouncing against the rocks as the swampers hopped out with ropes in hand. Again, glad that's not my responsibility.

Then the guests had to scale up a pretty steep rock wall. So steep that most river companies (including GCW) require their guests to keep their lifejackets on for this stretch of the hike.


Once the boats were safely tied up, Ted untied the inflatable peacock that had been bouncing around the back of his boat all week. We all had assumed that it was just some river guide flair, but this was a peacock with a purpose.

Photo: Greg Bryan

Then we ditched the life jackets and hiked a narrow path along the creek until we reached the bottom.




That last photo reminds me that I have failed to mention two major elementsof this trip. 1) Aimee was pumping breastmilk three times a day! It wasn't really possible to freeze and save any, so she simply offered her sacrifice to the river gods every day. She would have been tremendously uncomfortable otherwise. And yes, this was a first for our river guides, with nearly two hundred river trips between them.


And 2) Jill was suffering from an extremely itchy rash throughout the trip. Their faces in that photo captured the exact moment when, six days into the trip, these two whole-grain, outdoorsy, northern-Arizona moms realized that they could use Aimee's breastmilk as "treatment" for Jill's rash.


My medical opinion: No comment.

We swam, had a snack, and capped the afternoon with some extreme tubing.



No peacocks were harmed, but a few humans woke up pretty sore the next day.



One last group photo before we headed back to the boats.


We donned our lifejackets and carefully traversed the rock path with only one casualty.


Peacock! Come back!

That afternoon definitely felt like the last day of summer camp.





Photo: Greg Bryan
Photo: Greg Bryan
Ted was even able to rescue the peacock!


Leave no trace.

There was also a major achievement that day. Blake, our youngest swamper (off to his freshman year at the U of A this fall) suited up in Ted's lucky polyester suit and piloted through Lava Falls for the first time. He had led us through several smaller rapids, but this was his first time through one of the biggest and most treacherous. It was a class ten (of ten) rapid with a thirteen foot drop off. I had the choice of either taking a photo of it for you all, or remaining on the boat. I chose the latter.

Following Blake's accomplishment, river guide tradition commanded that he be baptized in water from a small spring just past the rapid.



That night was a "talentless show" where guests got up and showcased a talent--or lack thereof. I flossed (the dental procedure, not the dance). You had to be there. Aimee recited The Very Hungry Caterpillar from memory (while firedancing of course). It killed. And Blake, knocked back down to junior guide status after his Lava Falls triumph, was the titular character in a Shorty the Boatman routine. Shorty is a river guide with an unusual routine for getting ready in the morning. It involves a toothbrush, a peanut butter sandwich, and lots of whipped cream. Acting support from Tyler, playing the role of Shorty's arms.





It also killed.


Greg and Rachel led the group in a singalong mashup of each spouse playing the other's trademark campfire song. Rachel parodied Greg's Purple Rain, and Greg responded with Rachel's Where's Me Jumper?, an apparent staple for any teenager who grew up in the UK in the 1990s, as Rachel did. Rachel's version (far better than the original) acted as a sort of theme song for the week.


But the highlight for me that evening was Dean and Jill's routine. I vaguely remember something about Jill being a cave woman who discovers fire, but then can't put it out. But I was far more focused on the intricate scheme that I was working on to finally Ice Dean. Jill's prop was Aimee's fire baton, so I immediately volunteered to "help" with logistics. The plan was that Dean would surprise everyone by running out in a giant, inflatable T-Rex costume (where is he packing all this stuff?) to save Jill and put out the fire. My job was to run up and give Dean the steel fire baton case to fully extinguish the flame before he turned into a giant polyester fireball.

But when the time came, Dean put out his tiny T-Rex arms to grab the case from me, and sshhhhunk, a bottle of Smirnoff Ice slid out of the pipe straight into his hands. Dean took a knee in the middle of the campfire circle, and we we all cheered as he choked down a bottle of over-sweetened malt beverage.

Best vacation ever.